You know how much I fucking hate American health care? There are so many times when I sit on the couch either in tears or doing my best to hold them back thinking just how much I need treatment, but it doesn’t matter how much I need it because I can’t afford it. I can’t afford to go to the hospital and wrack up huge bills while also not working. I can’t afford it. My husband and I work less than 19 hours a week (so our employer doesn’t have to give us benefits) for minimum wage so I cannot go to the hospital and cause us to get into more debt. The other debt we have is my student debt from loans. So all of it would come from me and it doesn’t matter how good the treatment is that i would get, having all of the debt be because of me would kill me. My insurance wouldn’t cover most of it. We’d have to pay all of it out of pocket.
But so often I realize I need it. Because my therapist is great but she is leaving in the middle of august and I still feel like shit. It hurts me to have to pull it together and not completely breakdown. And then I beat myself up when I get close to breaking down. Because I need to be stronger so we don’t starve.
All I can think of is how alone I feel. There is no one I can talk to besides my therapist. How scared I am that I keep hitting these lows and that there keep being more for me to hit. How terrified I am of the future and how comforting the notion is of there not being a future. How conflicted I am with trying to give myself space to feel these emotions but still having to cover them up because I never feel them at the right time. It’s always when I have to work or be around people. Never when I can curl up and be alone with my emotions.
I’m scared. I’m alone. I wish I wasn’t here.
tumblr is currently a place for people not at comic-con to sit and wait for pictures of comic-con to be posted. then cry about how we are not at comic-con.
things i don’t own enough of
• make up
• other useless things that will get me nowhere in life but I want them